Monday, January 31, 2011

striving to be a better wife

I will be the first to admit that I am one of the most imperfect people you will probably ever come across. I have a lot of demons, so to speak, and every day is a constant battle to be a better person, especially to be a better wife for Jon. 1 Corinthians 13 is a lesson that I far too easily forget.

Over the last few years I've noticed I have this uncontrollable rage that tends to rear it's ugly head out of nowhere. I will be perfectly fine until the littlest of things sets me off. It is sporadic and terrifying, and very unexpected. They say identifying your problem is half the battle, but I am still learning how to keep that rage from bubbling up. All too often, Jon has become the target of my misplaced anger. He consistently reassures me that I am a good and loving wife, but I have my doubts. Jon is the most patient man person that I have ever met and he really does even me out (love is patient, love is kind). I am a very dramatic and sensitive person, and even I've noticed that since we got married my emotional highs and lows have become much more subtle. I'm starting to calm down but that rage still tends to pop up when I least expect it. I think a big part of it is stress; when I get to a certain stress level I get stomach aches, headaches, and general unease. All it takes is one minuscule and ultimately meaningless thing to go wrong and poor Jon has to deal with a monster. I'm starting to figure things out, but each day is a constant battle for me (especially under these stressful circumstances). Sometimes it is easy for me to become so remorseful of the many ways I've wronged Jon throughout the course of our relationship that it overwhelms me into a pit of despair that I will never be the wife to him as the husband he is to me. And then God gently reminds my heart that each day is a new start and I can strive to be a better wife today (love keeps no record of wrongs; love always hopes, always perseveres). Today, I will simply need to continuously remind myself that love is not easily angered and does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

New day, fresh start. The sunrise from my office window.

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