Friday, February 4, 2011

without these bricks on my back, who would i be?

Lately I've been battling pretty intense episodes of loneliness, despair, and frustration. Seeing so little of my husband is more exhausting than going from work to school to work. Not to mention the last several months of engagements, pregnancies, jobs, and education have been taking a huge toll on my friendships with several women. Jon has reassured me that this is what happens as we grow up: people change, priorities change, and therefore relationships change. It was nothing I did. It was nothing they did. It's just the way life has changed. I've never been one for change.

Last night was tough for me. I felt the pangs of loneliness more than usual. Jon does his best with me, but I often can't even explain my own emotions, so I don't blame him for not always understanding why his wife is upset. I'm sure quite a bit of it is stress. The burdens that I'm carrying are quite heavy. I have all this internalized pressure to be an A student, a superb employee, and the perfect wife. The expectations I've set for myself are admittedly next to, if not entirely, impossible, especially when adding all three together. I consistently need reminded that I don't need to carry these burdens alone, if at all. I have recently discovered (thanks to a good music-crazy friend) a band called Come Wind from the Ohio area and I have not been able to stop listening to one of their songs called Bricks. It is a reminder that I can really relate to that I don't need to carry these bricks alone. I really recommend you listen to their music, it's wonderful. Here are some of the lyrics from Bricks that really speak to me:

Should you move or stay frozen in fear of action?
You've never been more nervous than when He is near
Oh you want it in your mind
But you have no idea
You're even petrified
Of when He's actually here

I know you want to exchange burdens
So I wanna let you
Where does this fear come from?
Not from love, not from God
Not from you

Finally the weight begins to lift
Oh, sweet bliss
And even though you've heard they can fall, you can't imagine
Them being anywhere but exactly where they are

I have these bricks on my back
They weigh me down so much
I have to rest so often

I can't convince myself I want rid of them
Who would I be without them?
Without these bricks on my back who would I be?

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