Monday, March 28, 2011

arguments & bigger pictures

Ever since we met with Pastor Dan in January, our marriage has been quite blessed. [Up until Saturday] I couldn't tell you the last time we fought aside from minor disagreements that never escalated into something more than that.

But then Saturday hit and I turned into neurotic Danielle. And poor Jon turned into frustrated Jon. And it spiraled out of control.

We were cleaning our old apartment in preparation for returning the keys, which I had intended to do on Saturday when we were done. I wanted it off of my plate because my plate is much too full and I have been seeking relief. We forgot Jon's garage door opener in his car at the new apartment, as well as his keys. When he informed me that he would just turn everything in on Monday instead of Saturday I lost it. I went into temper tantrum mode because I just hate it when plans change. I work hard to make the plans. I don't like it when they don't work out!

Mini-yelling match ensued in the car on our way home. I cried.

Disclaimer: I always cry. It's my reaction to anger, happiness, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, joy. If you ever see me crying you probably can't be sure of which emotion elicited it.

It didn't take long for the yelling to cease, for love to overflow. This argument was virtually a non-argument compared to the pre-Pastor Dan era arguments. Perhaps we're growing in our marriage, learning how to communicate. Jon realized that sometimes he could be more patient with me (read: telling me I'm "overly-sensitive" when I'm clearly upset about something is a good way to make me particularly "overly-sensitive") and I realized that I really AM being overly-sensitive most times. Even controlling. I hate not being in control.

The bigger picture? My marriage is affecting my faith in a holy and righteous way. I cannot be in control of everything in my life. That's not how it works. I need to learn that it's okay to let go, that it's essential to trust Christ. Which is somewhat worrisome because I have this deep, scary feeling in the pit of my stomach that something epically difficult is waiting for me in the future, to test my faith, to test my willingness to give up control. In the meantime, I will look to my husband to nudge me back to reality in my daily struggles to keep the reigns.

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