Thursday, March 24, 2011

the ongoing birthing debate


Previously, I mentioned my many anxieties in regards to bearing children. The cycle is relentless. Our first few months of marriage I was so gung-ho about having kids, constantly pressuring Jon to give in and let us try. Thankfully he was the voice of reason and gently reminded me that we still had a lot of growing up (and together) to do and that the timing wasn't right.

Just before I started school I realized just how crazy I was for thinking that we could handle a newborn in addition to our crazy schedules... we barely see each other as it is! Not long after I realized how crazy it was came the terror of bringing such innocence into this world. As the days have passed that terror has only intensified. Maybe it is being fueled by all of the political unrest and mega-disasters that dominate our headlines, but I'm starting to wonder (worry?) that maybe this is divine intervention. My entire life I wanted children so desperately. Such a drastic change in my heart is bothersome to me.

But then, in a fleeting moment of hope, I see these pictures and all of my anxieties and fears melt away:
Brooke and Ciara (Alex and Natalie's first & second)
Lillian (Paul and Heather's first)
Myles (Cameron and Jessica's first)
(seriously though, our friends make cute babies) I honestly don't know what the coming years will bring. Being that Jon and I have never attempted to conceive there is a chance that we may not even be able to and all my concerns will be for naught. But my heart is aching for an answer, a justification, or a solidified conviction. This wavering is taking a toll and wearing on my soul.

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