Tuesday, May 10, 2011

patience & grace

It's finals week and therefore I am spread relatively thin--this will probably be my only post until Friday. Between studying, keeping house, and trying to somewhat enjoy the nice weather we've been having, I have been a bit on edge lately. And it's shown in my interactions with those around me.

I've been short and catty, frustrated and overwhelmed. If you look at me the wrong way I'll lose it. Clearly, patience is not one of my strong points. It's something I've been working on for years, and I will often make progress only to fall back into old ways.

I lost my cool yesterday in regards to a group project I've been working on. I felt like not all members had been pulling their weight and I finally lost it. I need to learn that emails are NOT the best platform for criticism because my tone is very often misinterpreted. While I stand by the principles behind the things I said, I'm sure I could have said them in a much more loving way. I'm sure I could have been more sympathetic and had more grace. But I didn't and at the very least I learned from it. I am such an emotionally driven person that I can sometimes let my frustrations get the best of me. There have been numerous times that I've said something "in the moment" I later regretted. I guess that's one of the pitfalls of wearing your heart on your sleeve.

But I need to find a balance between showing grace and being a whipping post. Far too often have I let people get away with things that I knew weren't right for the sake of avoiding conflict. I think I'm finally starting to find my voice and let people know directly to them that I am not pleased with something they did (or failed to do). I have a feeling this grace/independence balance will have several imbalances through the coming months and I will find myself dangerously close to disaster. However, it's about time I start focusing on my life aspirations and as such I will no longer allow others to jeopardize the things I've worked my tail off for the last 17-odd years.

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