Thursday, June 16, 2011

maybe i wasn't made for this world

I've been listening to a lot of Between the Trees' album, "Spain," lately.

One song of theirs that resonates with me is called Scarecrow.

"Oh, Scarecrow it ain't so bad; just try and fit in this hollow man. Cause you've traveled so far from where it all began. Maybe I wasn't made for this world: all the space in between the soul and the seams. I think I took the wrong path, I need to find my way back. They say you're never too far to start it all again; am I too far?"

It's been one of those melancholy days for me (for no obvious reason). I just feel distant from God. Again. When will I break the cycle? Ever? I can't remember the last time I prayed a heartfelt, non-routinesque prayer. It's been long. Way too long.

And yet, how I struggle to find my way back. Maybe it's my inherent stubbornness. Maybe it's my uncanny ability to avoid the need to evaluate my failures. We're still lacking community. I feel less isolated than I did during the semester, but when I'm not walking with God (although I think I'm pretty much always at least three steps behind Him) I've come to realize that these isolated feelings are inevitable. No one knows me as intricately, not even my better half. So how do I find my way back when I identify the need but also have this overwhelming apathy about the whole situation?

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