Thursday, November 10, 2011

i am outside, and i've been waiting for the sun

Lately I've felt like a bit of a vagabond. Jon and I are being faced with some pretty big decisions. The grown up kind... the worst kind. Okay, I'm being dramatic. It's not like we are being forced to choose between paying our heat bill or feeding a family of five. Things could be much worse, much scarier.

It's funny because not too long ago I was asking God to challenge me. To give me something that reminds me just how much I need Him to be in control of my life. I knew what I was asking for but at the same time I had forgotten what it meant to struggle. To be uprooted and reminded why I can't do this life thing by myself. But I had become so good at doing it by myself. I was a planner. I am a planner. This stuff doesn't happen to planners. You hear that sound? That's the sound of an ill-devised illusion I painted myself shattering.

Up until this point, Jon has taken classes only a few days per week to allow time to work on the remaining weekdays. Unfortunately, Malone doesn't have the flexibility Tri-C had and it has become increasingly more difficult to arrange that. We are now faced with this decision: should Jon quit his job to go to school full-time (and therefore lose the supplementary income while increasing our gas bill by 25%) and get done faster, or should he keep working and taking classes only as he can fit them into his schedule (and therefore rack up a higher tuition bill in the long-term)? On top of that, exams and term projects are piling up. I haven't been sleeping well. Work has been very busy. We're still trying to recover financially from an unexpectedly high car repair bill we had last month. I feel thin, but not the good-for-self-image kind, the spread kind. Jon is great, encouraging and helpful. But this struggle isn't one that's supposed to teach me to rely on him--I already know I can. This is bigger than that, bigger than our marriage. I know I'll get through this and I'll be stronger for it. I know my faith will be strengthened and I will be taught something valuable. But truthfully, right now, it sucks.

Since I am struggling with these decisions, I'm sure you could guess I have a specific song on repeat in these headphones of mine.

On top of the aforementioned issues, I had a Tampico explosion in my car today.

I had purchased Jon this Tampico as a small present because I had given him his birthday present early. I had it in my bookbag which was on the backseat of my car. The bookbag fell over onto the floor, upside down, destroying the Tampico bottle. I didn't notice it for a good minute or two.

Let me tell you: a LOT more liquid than that seems to have escaped.
Bless Jon's heart for trying to salvage my notebooks. 
Still waiting for the sun...

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