Monday, January 31, 2011

striving to be a better wife

I will be the first to admit that I am one of the most imperfect people you will probably ever come across. I have a lot of demons, so to speak, and every day is a constant battle to be a better person, especially to be a better wife for Jon. 1 Corinthians 13 is a lesson that I far too easily forget.

Over the last few years I've noticed I have this uncontrollable rage that tends to rear it's ugly head out of nowhere. I will be perfectly fine until the littlest of things sets me off. It is sporadic and terrifying, and very unexpected. They say identifying your problem is half the battle, but I am still learning how to keep that rage from bubbling up. All too often, Jon has become the target of my misplaced anger. He consistently reassures me that I am a good and loving wife, but I have my doubts. Jon is the most patient man person that I have ever met and he really does even me out (love is patient, love is kind). I am a very dramatic and sensitive person, and even I've noticed that since we got married my emotional highs and lows have become much more subtle. I'm starting to calm down but that rage still tends to pop up when I least expect it. I think a big part of it is stress; when I get to a certain stress level I get stomach aches, headaches, and general unease. All it takes is one minuscule and ultimately meaningless thing to go wrong and poor Jon has to deal with a monster. I'm starting to figure things out, but each day is a constant battle for me (especially under these stressful circumstances). Sometimes it is easy for me to become so remorseful of the many ways I've wronged Jon throughout the course of our relationship that it overwhelms me into a pit of despair that I will never be the wife to him as the husband he is to me. And then God gently reminds my heart that each day is a new start and I can strive to be a better wife today (love keeps no record of wrongs; love always hopes, always perseveres). Today, I will simply need to continuously remind myself that love is not easily angered and does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

New day, fresh start. The sunrise from my office window.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

a first rate soup is better than a second rate painting

With my insane work and class schedule, I barely get to see Jon. Last semester he was taking night classes and I was working days, so it was very similar, but this semester is just so much more stressful. Weekends are really the only quality time we have and with the vast amount of homework we both have assigned our "quality time" has quickly morphed into "quality homework time." Today, though, was a slight exception! In addition to our standard 3-day marathon of homework assignments locked in our living room, we got to go to the Cleveland Museum of Art for Jon's Art History class. I was amazed at the size, architecture, and content of this museum - it was huge and fancy, with art ranging from European to ancient Near-East to Modernism ... and admission was free! Unfortunately, due to the huge number of assignments I still have yet to complete this weekend we could only browse for a little over an hour. We definitely plan on going back this summer when our schedules are less insane so that we can take a full day to really enjoy everything the museum has to offer.

After the museum we decided to stop at one of our favorite guilty pleasures, Olive Garden. We had received a gift card from my grandma for Christmas and were saving it for a special occasion, so we figured we would make a date out of it. We both got soup & salad--Jon, because he loves their chicken gnocchi soup, and me because I'm on Weight Watchers and their Minestrone is surprisingly healthy (ish). It was delish and gave us some much needed personal quality time. As I write this my darling husband has left for the grocery store so I can catch up on some of my work. Once he comes home I get to have a marathon food cooking session to prepare our fridge for the coming week. Is it May yet?

Photo Credit: CopyKat

Saturday, January 29, 2011

the children debate

Ever since I was a little girl I knew that I wanted to have children. I've always felt like that was one of God's master plans in my life. I also always knew I wanted a big family - 4 children at least. Jon, being the incredible man that he is, came into this marriage with the attitude "if you want 4, we will have 4. If you want 6 we'll have 6. As long as we can support them financially, we will have them. However, if we are only in a financial place to support 2, that is what we need to have."

The first few months of marriage were particularly rough for me. My maternal instincts were overwhelming, and I think part of that can be attributed to the fact that I had three close friends who were pregnant at that time! It was a constant struggle for me and Jon was exceedingly patient. You see, when we got married, we agreed that at the bare minimum we wanted a year of marriage before we considered trying to get pregnant. Luckily, the more I looked at our financial situation and crazy schedules, and the more supportive Jon continued to be (all while being the voice of reason!), the less I felt the urge to get pregnant right away. I even came to the conclusion that one year of marriage would not be enough--with me in grad school, I want to wait until I'm done, which at the earliest will be May 2012. Granted, we know God may have other plans and give us a little 'surprise' before we actively begin trying, and if that happens will be overwhelmed with joy. But if we can avoid it until we're ready, that's exactly what we'll plan on doing.

So what is the children debate? Well, it is a great internal debate that plays out into my head every time news of the latest suicide bombing, political unrest, etc. hits the television. I may be having a change of heart. I still love children and I think deep down that I still want them. But the past few months I have become more aware of how broken, dark, and dangerous our world has become. I fear that it will just get worse, and I really don't want to submit an innocent child, let alone 4-6 of them, to that. I fear that by the end of my lifetime the religious freedoms we so often take for granted in the U.S. may be gone. And that is no world I want my precious, beautiful children to live in. Jon sees my point of view and agrees, but his leading comment has been, "Well what if one of our children will be someone like John the Baptist? What if one or all of our children will lead many others, or even just a handful of others, to Jesus Christ? Do you really want to deny the world of that?" I completely see his point. Obviously I wouldn't want to deny the world of salvation.

In the meantime, I will continue to internally debate all of the pro's and con's and exist in a state of unease until I feel utter conviction. I will also only have 1 baby for a while:

Friday, January 28, 2011

we may be young, but we're not powerless

After creeping oh so many wonderful and inspiring blogs (I'm looking at you, Suzannah, Kristen, and Heather) I decided I should begin my own public blogging journey in the hope that someone may benefit from lessons learned from my many failures without having to repeat my mistakes. I got the title for this blog from one of my all-time favorite novels: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. I'm not normally much for science fiction novels, but this one takes the cake. There is a quote from the book that has stuck with my since my first read of it: "We
 may
 be
 young, 
but
 we're 
not
powerless.

 We
 play
 by 
their 
rules 
long
 enough
 and 
it
 becomes
 our
 game." In my mind these are some of the truest words ever spoken. We, meaning my generation and those younger, can make a difference regardless of our age. This is clearly mentioned in the Bible (1 Timothy 4:12), or at least clearly to me.

Anyway, this blog will serve as an update to existing family and friends that we (currently, 'we' is just my husband, Jon, my cat, Marsala, and me), unfortunately, see so little of these days. This will also serve as a way to share the lessons I've learned through my young marriage, walk with Christ, and general life celebrations and inevitable failures. 
Jon and Me - Jon is 23 and I am 22. We were married June 5, 2010.