Wednesday, May 30, 2012

the one where i almost failed childbirthing class

Jon and I had our first of four childbirthing classes yesterday. He was giving me sass the entire ride to the hospital because I had brought two pillows and a blanket (per the class instructions) 'cause he thought I had made it all up. When we got to the room and he saw all the other couples with their blankets/pillows I let out a loving toldyaso.

The beginning of the class was a lecture format that discussed things such as the gate control theory of pain (I had read about it in one of my hypnobirthing books), where all your pregnancy weight gain goes (fluids! placenta! baby! maternal stores, womp womp), etc. That was all fine and well. The highlight was when we discussed kegels and our teacher gingerly informed us she was doing them at that exact moment. Jon's face turned red but the best part was one of the partners to the a lady full on cracked up awkwardly loud and couldn't make eye contact for about five minutes.

Following the lecture we began practicing our breathing and relaxation techniques. The only problem? I was Mrs. Giggles the entire time. But when I'm listening to audio telling me things like "pretend your right arm is warm. Keep repeating to yourself: my right arm is warm. My right arm is warm. Now relax your right arm and feel it fall heavily to the earth" what am I supposed to do? Laugh uncomfortably I daresay! Jon kept shooting me looks and telling me to stop it. Not conducive to relaxation at all.

The icing on the cake? The prenatal bonding exercise. The mellow audio voice lady told me to talk to my baby. To ask it questions and imagine the answers. Then she told us to picture our babies in a serene happy place... like floating in the middle of the ocean. I promptly looked at Jon and informed him my baby floating in the middle of the ocean to drown/become a shark snack is the least serene thing I could think of. She concluded by telling me to "say goodbye to your baby for now, until next time" at which point I was just completely confused because this child is within and I'm not really sure how to say goodbye to something of that nature. Needless to say I think I went straight to the bottom of the instructor's 'good students' list in under an hour. I'm not sure how we're going to get through the next three classes, especially if/when it comes time to watch a video of a live birth. The instructor's demonstration using a pelvic model/baby doll was disturbing enough for me. I know I can't handle seeing the real deal. That's way my face and baby delivery pieces are on opposite ends of my body. I'M NOT MEANT TO WATCH THESE THINGS HAPPENING. Amiright?


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