Wednesday, August 1, 2012

reflections

Okay, let's take a moment here to talk about my greatest pregnancy-related agitations, excitement and fears, as provided at the moment. Well, technically, as provided since week 34.5 because I've been adding to this list since the end of June.

1. Who's idea was it to call this thing the "mucous plug"? I don't care how accurately that describes what it is. It just sounds gross. And also. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO FIND IT WHEN IT FALLS OUT. *shudder*

2. A lot of women's greatest fears relating to labor and delivery are a) pooping while pushing and b) the general pain associated with it. This guy? This guy's most afraid of her water breaking in a very public venue. I mean, what if I'm just browsing the ice cream aisle at my local Giant Eagle and all of a sudden it's like Niagra Falls? Wanna know what my first instinct will be? Hide. Second? Find someone to get me some paper towels or a mop or something so I can clean it up. Because, real talk, those high school employees are not paid nearly enough to be cleaning up something as gross as a stranger's amniotic fluid. Third? Grab a gallon of ice cream and head out to the hospital.

3. All those people who told me "there's no way you'll make it to August" because I was "so big" when I was only 32 weeks pregnant (which, by the way, I'm not sure if I should be offended by that)? LIARS.

4. Let me just say that one thing I'm super excited about (aside from, you know, meeting our child and finally being able to refer to it as a "him" or "her") is the unlimited supply of Popsicles they're going to allow me when I'm in labor. If any of you have known me well enough the last 8 weeks you are well aware that Popsicle has strong-armed its way into its own group on my pregnancy food pyramid:

Danielle's Pregnancy Food Pyramid



5. By my fourteenth nightly bathroom trip when I heave myself out of bed in an act that defies all laws of physics and I look over at my peacefully slumbering husband? I want to punch him in tha face. (love you doll, thanks for bearing with me these last 9 months!)

6. I seriously feel like my pelvis is going to fall off. My OB kindly informed me at my last appointment that women have been known to DISLOCATE THEIR HIPS because everything is so loosey-goosey. Add that to my list of hot dang, I hope not's.

7. I have 0 self control when it comes to buffets or other all-you-can-eat type establishments. Unlimited supplies of food I didn't cook? Kryptonite. I think THAT'S why they made pregnancy jeans so elasticy.

8. A lot of people picture God as a man. I say it would be God's [masculine] sense of humor that the one scientifically-proven way to naturally induce labor (sex) is the furthest thing from your mind when you are 40 weeks pregnant. As far as I'm concerned, this baby can stay put. 

4 comments:

  1. REAL.TALK.

    Love this! Luckily, most people's water doesn't break before they are in active labor! And not everyone loses the plug... And I think people make it harder emotionally than it needs to be. I think there is this force-field that pulls stupid things out of other peoples mouths when they are around pregnant ppl. They need to zip it.

    I was 2 weeks late, twice - so I know how you feel! [it's still worth it!]

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  2. Good thing men can't get pregnant. I can't imagine how this post would look then.

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  3. LAUGH. OUT. LOUD. @ this post! You're spot on!

    I want to punch my husband every night when he's snoring and I'm on my millionth bathroom trip. You're not alone. Oh, and buffets? The reason I've gained 24 pounds so far.

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  4. Laughing hysterically at this post and especially love your food guide pyramid!!! :) A friend told me about a friend whose water broke while at the grocery store...this woman then proceeded to grab a nearby jar of pickles, throw it on the ground, and pretend that the liquid on the ground/her pants was solely pickle juice. Should you need it, just an idea. :)

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