Tuesday, August 28, 2012

the stake

I'll probably be burned at the stake for this one because I'm going against some societal norms here that pertain to motherhood (which we all know is a hot topic), but a big part of the reason I write in this little space is to keep myself accountable and to have complete transparency with my life and related experiences. So, it is what it is.

You know that ohmygoshthisismybabyandiadorehim feeling all moms get when they first give birth? Yeah, I don't because that totally didn't happen for me. It could have been a combination of exhaustion, drowsiness from the sleeping pill, or just my nature, but when Elden was born I didn't really feel anything except relief. They placed him on my chest and I didn't have any deep maternal reaction. It was more of a hm, so this is what was inside of me for so long feeling. And to be honest, the fact that I didn't feel much more than that at the time made me feel like the world's worst mother. Moreover, it took a few days for me to feel any deep bond or attachment to him. And it gets worse: the first few days we were at home with him and he would be inconsolable and we couldn't stop the crying (and the breastfeeding hurt like no other) and I actually asked Jon if we could give him up for adoption because I simply didn't think I could do this. Mother of the year award over here!

That being said, I feel deeply connected to Elden now and I would be completely destroyed if anything ever happened to him or if he was ever not ours. But it was really difficult for me to not feel such a deep bond with my baby at first because based on other moms' accounts I pictured his birth to be filled with happy tears, abundant joy and endless love/connection which was so not the case. So I figured I'd put out how I felt immediately and in those first few days after at my own risk of being severely judged just in case you experience something similar. You aren't alone and that bond will likely (though I'm sure not always in extreme circumstances) develop soon. You will reach the point pretty quickly where you can't picture your life without that baby and don't want to. And while it took me a few days to come around, I'd like to think I'm a pretty okay Mom now and that Elden is happy with us. Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe. But there's no way for me to feign an emotion that simply wasn't there at first and it doesn't change how I feel now and I don't really feel the need to justify what I felt at first anymore. All I know for sure is that I love this tiny human, despite the sleepless nights and fussy fits, more than I ever thought possible.

1 comment:

  1. I had very similar feelings in the beginning. I am glad you are able to admit this, it took me a very long time to admit to anyone that I felt that way in the beginning. Now, Myles is almost 2 already and I can't imagine a life without him!