Tuesday, January 22, 2013

sarah

I had mentioned previously that Jon and I had been traversing some deep marital waters lately.

Truth be told, the past five months have been far from easy. The issues I wrote about on Suzannah's blog are still just as present (namely that intimacy is painful) and it's taking a great toll. I feel like damaged goods. I feel distant because we share no simple way to reconnect at our most primitive level. I feel ashamed, tired, and frustrated. But mostly, I feel abandoned by God.

In a separate but related issue, I have neglected to read my Bible or pray the last 5+ months. In an effort to retake spiritual leadership in our house, Jon had been encouraging me on a daily reading plan. Each day involved about 2-4 chapters of scripture. It was the perfect idea--just enough to ease me into it with daily reminders.

But then I got to Genesis.The story of Leah and Rachel consistently begging God for children in an act to outdo the other (so to speak, at least that's how I interpreted it at that moment in time) and God always answering. Where is God in this? Our marriage has been suffering. Lots of petty fights (picked mostly by me), poor communication, lack of intimacy. I have cried out more times than I can count for healing and intervention on my behalf. Radio silence.

Last night things kind of came to a head. I was utterly broken. Jon held me in his arms and let me weep. I finally found the appropriate words to explain why I've been behaving the way I have as of late. I expressed my feelings of abandonment, my jealousy of the way Rachel and Leah's prayers were answered and mine were being ignored.

Then, ever so lovingly, Jon mentioned Sarah and how God waited decades to answer her prayers for a son. He hadn't forgotten her or abandoned her. He loved her just the same. His timing was just different than hers.  And look what was born from His promise! Faithful. God was faithful.

Even though the heartache I'm dealing with right now only scratches the surface of Sarah's yearning for a child, I can kind of understand how she must have felt during those years. My new goal is to focus my prayers less on demanding my way in my timing, but rather to be blessed with the patience and hope that Sarah had to exhibit to continue to ask for a son year after year. I know I'll still have 'woe is me' moments, and at those times, I will try to remember Sarah.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, girl, I get this. I was struggling with Sarah recently, too, but I was crying that I didn't want to wait that long! God's timing is so hard to understand and trust, isn't it???

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  2. Wise, Godly husband you do have!

    I am so sorry to hear things have been difficult. Having a new baby is most certainly NOT easy on a marriage. I can't fully relate to your exact scenario but I CAN fully relate to being frustrated with God's timing and feeling abandoned by Him. What I can tell you from experience is that His timing and plans are and always will be perfect (that doesn't mean it's easy to wait). The deepest, most difficult struggles are what yield the most beautiful things. Now that she's here I can say I'm so thankful God delayed in answering our prayers for a baby--I know with every fiber in my being that Ellie is the exact child we are supposed to have.

    On another note, might I suggest a devotional called "Jesus Calling." I know as a new mama it is so very difficult finding time to be in the word, and this little (but amazing devotional) has done so much to help.

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