Tuesday, March 19, 2013

cutting myself a break

I don't have the gift of writing.

I mean, in some regards I suppose I do. What I'm specifically referencing is the art of writing beautifully; poetically. My blog is the Real World to some of my favorite bloggers' [insert classy/beautifully written television show name here but I can't think of any because I am obsessed with reality tv].

As usual, I came approximately a year tardy to the party when I read this post. A little excerpt:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in. Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.

I swoon. I read the writings of several women who write so beautifully that I often contemplate paying various Etsy vendors to take bits of their posts and turning them into prints for my home.

I so wish I had that gift. It is the creative outlet I most lust after. There's just something about these posts that make me feel like I'm sitting quietly in a corner of the room, observing authentic relationship at its core. As a seasoned people watcher, reading that writing style puts me in my element. The vulnerability. The imagery. What a tremendous gift--one that I'm grateful many of these authors exercise so that I can get a contact high.

There have been times I've tried to dig deep, to really find the poet within. I've written many posts that I either deleted outright or completely reworked because I felt like a total fraud. The truth is, I'm a bit of a simpleton. Most of the time the basic emotions I cycle through in a day are sad, happy, angry, and stressed. Occasionally I'll veer into hysterically irrational with no real idea why territory, but any other word for my four basic emotions is just not me. I doubt anyone will read a single post of mine and think of it as a piece of art.

And you know what? I'm mostly okay with that. I've decided to start giving myself a break--to stop lusting after the gifts I have not been given--and to start focusing more on the gifts I have. I am empathetic. I feel things deeply. I usually have a heart for serving others. I lean towards pacifism. I am a force to be reckoned with when it comes to cleaning. Most importantly, I am learning to be humble, gracious, and patient--particularly with myself. These three gifts are enough to stir me up inside and help me to refocus my priorities on what really matters. Figuring out how to use my gifts to better serve my husband, my son, and society at large. Using them to give glory back to the Gift Giver instead of placing my heart in the hands of man for validation.

1 comment:

  1. I SOOOOO know how you feel. I daydream about writing these magnificent posts that brings people to tears and laughter...yada, yada, yada. I'm not a bad writer, but I know I'm not a great writer.

    Sigh. Just not one of my gifts. But it's so important to focus on the skills and talents God has uniquely blessed us with for a reason.