Sunday, April 28, 2013

the unjust

One major flaw I've noticed in myself lately is my unforgiveness. Through both direct and indirect interactions I've had, I realized how strongly I hold onto a grudge. It's not necessarily something I dwell on; these feelings of anger, betrayal and frustration don't keep me up at night. But when a topic is mentioned or some other trigger reminds me of these events, I feel a rage from my darkest and deepest place. After a lot of discussion with Jon ('I'm sorry you married such a terrible person' / 'it's not that you're terrible, you just feel things very deeply and I think that's why you have a hard time letting go') he helped me to realize the main reason behind my unwillingness to let go is my desire for justice.

I'm empathetic to a dangerous point. I will recklessly throw myself at helping others without paying any mind to how my actions might affect my family--the ones I most certainly need to consider foremost--and Jon has to bring me back to earth and help me figure out the best way to go about things. So when I feel wronged--or if I see someone else wronging a person I care deeply about--I cling to my desire for justice because I feel like it is the only thing that can help remedy the hurt.

I don't like it when the wicked "win." It shakes the foundation of everything I believe and I don't like that one bit. The self-centered, self-serving, conceited ones get to me the most. In my mind it's almost as if my unforgiveness is some sort of cosmic justice playing out. An I won't ever forget so you won't ever get away with it sort of mentality. Moreover, I find myself mentally wishing ill will towards these people. 

My name is Danielle, and I am a horrible, unloving person. 

The thing is, at my core I am self-centered, self-serving, and conceited. I am wicked. I am mean. I gossip. I yell. I'm impatient. I'm lazy. I'm forgiven. Each time I mess up, my slate is wiped clean. (Isaiah 1:18)

"Oh, you and Jon got in a fight and you dropped the mother of all curse words? Thrice? I forgive you. More importantly, I love you."

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37) Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Luke 6:41) When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. (John 8:7) You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. (Romans 14:10)

Why is it so hard for me to loosen my grip and give my hurt up to God? Is it my need for control?  My need to make sure justice is served? But I know that justice will be served. I know that. I grew up in the church; this is not a new concept. Yet I struggle. I must begin to make a mental decision to battle my own wickedness and cut those around me a break for theirs. We are imperfect, messy and sometimes straight-up awful. So where is my grace? If the person who created me can cut me slack when I mess up, surely I can do the same for someone I had no hand in forming... .right? But how?

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