Monday, October 21, 2013

life

Forgive me if this post rambles on or if there are obvious typos. It's late and I'm writing on my phone. I'm probably not going to proofread, either. It's just that I process my emotions best externally and writing things out helps me find clarity. Clarity is something I could use right now.

As a Christian, I've held the belief life begins at conception basically since forever merely because it's what I was taught. It wasn't until this miscarriage that I really started to explore that notion. As far as I'm aware, there was never a heartbeat in this pregnancy. I miscarried before the heart would have even developed. There was also no brain and the baby would not have been recognizable as such--not by a long shot. However, based on my definition of life I will have a child to meet in heaven one day that I knew not on this earth.

I can't wrap my mind around that. I just don't understand how or what that might look like. And if this was indeed a baby that had a soul, how do we move forward? If/when we try to get pregnant again one day would that be our third child? How do we do right by the second baby, the one we lost, moving forward? I've been contemplating sharing the picture we took that was going to be used as the big announcement for the impending arrival of our second child. It doesn't feel right to use it for any other pregnancy but it gives an honest glimpse of the anticipation we were feeling. And the picture itself will lend itself to the reason why I'm questioning how we refer to any subsequent children we have moving forward.

This miscarriage has also changed the way I view pregnancy announcements. I have already seen a few on blogs I read since I knew a miscarriage was imminent and it broke my heart. The longing I felt. And I'm able to get pregnant. I can't imagine the pain of women who are in the throes of infertility battles as they stumble upon such posts. Then there's the notion of "blessed with a child." I know I've said it before. That suggests anyone who can't have a child or experiences the loss of a pregnancy is not favored in the eyes of God or can't be entrusted with a little life. I just can't get on board with that concept. Smack me if I ever say that again.

I guess this is all just to say that reality has begun to settle in and I don't know where to begin processing everything that's happened. Our lives will never be the same. If I go on to get pregnant again eventually that entire pregnancy will be plagued with fear, grief and confusion. And I hate that I'm letting that be the legacy of my second child. But I don't know how to avoid it.

4 comments:

  1. "That suggests anyone who can't have a child or experiences the loss of a pregnancy is not favored in the eyes of God or can't be entrusted with a little life." <<<---Yes, yes, yes. This sentiment tore me up when we were struggling with infertility. And knowing how badly we eventually want another biological child, I still cringe and my heart sinks each and every time I hear something similar to this. Experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss completely changes the way you view and experience pregnancy--for the good and bad!

    I think all the thoughts and emotions you're experiencing and trying to process are completely normal. Keep on doing what you need to do (whether that's writing about it, talking about it, etc.) to work through everything.

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  2. I don't think anyone intentionally means to say blessed in a bad way. I am blessed to have my daughter her. Her dad and I were told he would never have kids because of the treatment for his cancer. But we got pregnant with our daughter and 3 months later he passed away from acute myleoid leukemia. He never got to feel her kick or hold her or kiss her head or hear her big belly laugh or enjoy watching her dance or hear her overcome the obstacles thrown at her. When we made the announcement we said we were blessed. Why? Because we truly were. In the midst of struggle and heart ache and not sure where his treatment was going we had this little ray of sunshine.

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    Replies
    1. I guess I should try and clarify. It's not that babies aren't or can't be total blessings. But the connotation I've often heard with it tends towards favored by God. It's hard to explain what I'm thinking and feeling, but it's just frustrating when someone makes it sound like if you don't have kids it's because God didn't think you were worthy of that blessing.

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  3. Hi Danielle! My name is Heather and I have a question about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com that would be great :-)

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