Sunday, October 20, 2013

miscarriage: final chapter

Before I get into this, I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments, messages, texts, and phone calls. Your love during this time has meant the world to us. I wish so many of you didn't have similar stories to share with me, but your braveness and peace has given me immense hope.

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The worst part about all of this was the waiting. The unknown. I've heard terrible stories about miscarriages and the physical pain associated with them. This doesn't even take into consideration the emotional toll. With the waiting, I didn't know whether this would indeed end prematurely. Then when I found out it would I didn't know how long I would have to wait. How long would it take my body to recognize the life within was no more? I dreaded every single trip to the bathroom for fear of what I would find.

Around 10:30 am on Thursday my fears were realized. Spotting. Dark brown. This was surely the beginning.

Then the cramping on my left side began. Not moderate, so I didn't freak out too much but I called my doctor nonetheless. They were fantastic and squeezed me in for an afternoon appointment instead of my previously-scheduled Friday one. An ultrasound seemed to indicate it was not ectopic but my OB wasn't 100% sure because my levels were so low. They re-drew my blood to look at both my progesterone levels and hCG again. The doctor more or less indicated he expected nature to take care of things on its own but since he couldn't be positive it wasn't ectopic he wanted me to keep coming in every week or so to re-check hCG until it reached 0. Failure to go down could indicate either ectopic or demonstrate that I would need a D&C. I left with strict instructions to call if cramping occurred or bleeding got worse. By that night the blood was red.

Friday morning was my first at the new job. When the results of my bloodwork from the day before came back (hCG was 403 and progesterone was less than 1) their office called to schedule an appointment for another draw on Monday morning since it was a bad sign the hCG had continued to increase. I happened to mention that I was both cramping and the bleeding was quite heavy at this point but that I wasn't alarmed by any of it. This is what a miscarriage is. Cramping wasn't localized to a specific side and it felt like normal menstrual cramps. The receptionist spoke with a nurse who spoke to my OB who instructed me I had to go to OB Triage.

Mortified doesn't begin to explain the conversation I had to have with my new (male) boss. Um, yeah. I was pregnant, unexpectedly, but now I'm not, or at least I don't appear to be. But they don't know if it's ectopic so I have to go to the ER. I'm so sorry. I will be back as soon as it's over. Luckily, he was incredibly understanding and my female coworker accompanied me the entire time. They checked my cervix (closed), redrew blood, and did an ultrasound. For a hot second the ultrasound seemed to show fluid in my right Fallopian tube which is bad news but upon further review they decided it was likely a "spontaneous miscarriage" and not a tubal pregnancy. My hCG did go down slightly to 375 which is what they would want to see to help rule out the ectopic. The final step was to get a Rhogam shot. It hadn't even occurred to me that I would need this since the pregnancy failed and there was no baby at risk, but I've since read up on it and understand that they gave it to me to protect future pregnancies. With that I was on my way back to work for the rest of the day.

The only thing worse than the waiting was the clots and tissue. It was way too early to make anything out of it but just seeing tissue that normally isn't present for a period was quite unsettling--another reminder of what we were losing. The bleeding has finally slowed. If nothing else, I am grateful that my physical discomfort during this has been pretty minimal. I still have to go in tomorrow morning for another hCG check and likely again later this week. I think I'm doing remarkably well with regard to handling this all, but it feels like maybe I'm faking myself out? I'm not quite ready to give myself a gold star for perseverance because I have this ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. For now we are waiting for this process to be over and to be given a clean bill of health. Then we will sit down to figure out where our hearts are and how we look towards the future. In all, I just can't seem to get over the fact that I will have a little soul to greet one day that I know nothing about. I don't know what to make of that...

1 comment:

  1. Oh. Lady. You are SO STRONG. I can only imagine how difficult this whole experience has been. Not that any of the possible outcomes are what you had expected/hoped/wanted, but I'm glad to hear that it's not ectopic. Continuing to pray that you will be covered in HIS peace.

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