Friday, October 18, 2013

national pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day

originally written on October 15, 2013:

Today I joined a club I hoped not to.

Today I found out I am very likely to lose a pregnancy--the first time I will have lost a pregnancy. On National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The irony is not lost on me. I've always been a pretty literal person so it's fitting that stuff should hit the fan on its national day.

The tale is relatively brief, but I will be saving it for another day. In the meantime, I will post a blog that I had begun writing the day I found out I was expecting our second child. It gives you a pretty good idea of what happened because I added to it as things developed. I have jumbled and mixed emotions at the moment. Yet, in a twisted sense, I think God prepared my heart for this. The pregnancy was unexpected so I did not immediately attach to the prospect of a baby like I did with Elden. With the job change thrown in the mix I was actually pretty weary of how this pregnancy would impact our family. I somehow knew this pregnancy wasn't going to survive so that made it more tolerable when the word came that it is "likely abnormal" and "will probably end." I did my fair share of crying, though, especially when I told my mom everything; we had been waiting to tell our families because the first hCG test wasn't stellar. I'm glad we waited so they didn't have the crushing disappointment that follows such typically-joyous news.

We'll be okay. One huge blessing that I am grateful for in all of this is that we have Elden. That somehow lessens the blow for me, knowing I have a baby at home to love on fiercely. I have an appointment at the doctor in just over an hour to "discuss the plan." I'm not really sure what 'the plan' is or what this visit will entail. Thankfully, the time that they asked me to come in is a time that Jon is available so I don't have to go alone. I've been sitting here for five minutes trying to figure out how to neatly wrap up this post, but nothing is coming to me. How could I? We've lost a member of our family, our child. No matter how small. No matter how crazy this addition would make our lives. No matter how nervous I was about needing to divide my attention and wondering whether Elden would understand that we still loved him deeply. It's a loss. And it hurts.

--

At my appointment the doctor confirmed everything. Levels aren't increasing even close to what they should (hCG went from 175 to 303 in a full week). I may have an ectopic pregnancy although I have no risk factors for one. I have to go back first thing Friday morning for an ultrasound to rule an ectopic out, as well as bloodwork to recheck my hCG and progesterone levels. He said there's a slim chance this could go on to be a normal pregnancy and "as long as it's not ectopic I'm willing to ride it out and see what happens" but that the odds are not in our favor.

4 comments:

  1. SO sorry to hear this, you are way stronger than me. I once thought I had miscarried (was never even pregnant) and I was a mess. You are a strong woman and as you stated you already have one beautiful baby to get you through! You and Jon will be in my thoughts today.

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  2. Oh, my heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry to hear this. You're in my prayers. May you be covered in HIS peace.

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  3. I am sadden and my heart breaks for you and Jon. I had 3 miscarriages before I had Amaya. I have a genetic clotting disorder that caused mine. You and Jon will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. If you need to talk feel free to call.

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  4. Danielle - we went through the miscarriage of our first successful pregnancy a year ago. We understand your loss and will be praying for you and John.

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