Monday, November 4, 2013

confession.

I realized I never gave the final update on my last blood draw.

My hCG was 6. Along with this information, the doctor wrote on my health portal that no additional lab work was necessary so I guess that means it's over. I still feel weird about it all. If I'm being brutally honest, I couldn't help but feel guilty for all the support and love we received. There are so many people who have it way worse than we did with this miscarriage. My heart immediately went to those who struggle to get pregnant in general, who lose their babies much further along in the pregnancy (don't get me started on stillbirth), etc. I knew deep down this was going to happen. Sure, I got somewhat attached and boy did I lose it the morning I got my second hCG report back (just ask the intern I was sharing an office with, sorry Tim!), but I wasn't as devastated as I think I should have been. I credit that back to God preparing my heart and just having that gut-feeling the pregnancy wasn't going to work out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things seem to be 'normal' again. The OB said if we wanted to "try again" we have to wait at least one menstrual cycle. We're not planning on trying again, at least not at this moment, while we continue to work out the plan for when Jon graduates in May. We're also still not sure how to feel about everything and we continue to contemplate what this means and how it will impact any subsequent children (if we are able to have subsequent children). I still don't know how to refer to my next one. My third? My second-living? It all just feels so morbid and I know if I were to go either of those routes whoever I was talking to would be hella uncomfortable. But I also don't want to minimize the fact that we had a baby that we lost, especially if that baby truly had a soul (this goes back to the still not knowing how to feel topic) and is waiting for us in Heaven. In any case, I know that moving forward, should we conceive again, I will be a complete and total wreck of nerves.

4 comments:

  1. I hate that this experience will negatively impact the way you handle future pregnancies. I can so relate (though for different reasons). But I know this part of your story will be used to bring HIM glory. When we truly go through loss and pain--though difficult--it teaches us to love, support, and empathize better. And that, my friend, can be used in so many ways to serve others in the future. Your story has a purpose.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jess - I am trying to remember that!

      Delete
  2. Your story does have a purpose! I had all the same feeling after losing our first and it will definitely be hard when you conceive again! As far as what you want to tell people, tell them whatever you are comfortable with. Or just don't talk about it until you have time to process and figure out what you feel. I tell people different things depending on who they are and what the setting is. I do tell people that it's our second (and sometimes they do feel super uncomfortable) but ultimately it makes me feel better talking and telling people about our daughter Penny! And ya know what, I don't really care that they're uncomfortable. Losing a baby at any age, shouldn't have to be hidden! God is so good to prepare your heart. Praying that he continues to comfort you through this time of weird and new feelings.

    ReplyDelete