Tuesday, December 10, 2013

explore the cave that is my chest

One of my biggest struggles in all of this has been the fear I'm just being dramatic. I'm well aware that I have a penchant for drama so I fluctuate between feeling like what I'm feeling is authentic and questioning whether I'm just fishing for sympathy. This may have been apparent when I kept saying things like "stuff happens" and trying to minimize it when people apologized for our loss. I actually drafted a post last night for today but as of this morning decided not to publish it because I don't feel as strongly today (and I'm embarrassed by some of what I wrote in the thick of my grief and want Jon to read it to tell me how extreme the backlash may be). That's not to say I won't post it eventually, but I'm recognizing that my emotions come in waves with the primary trigger being pregnancy-related posts (announcements, "bumpdates," etc.). That's what evoked my sadness last night. Now that I've had time to rest and reset I'm not nearly as angry/upset. That's how these things go, right? That's why I made the decision to avoid the platforms these things use. Everyone who is pregnant has a right to share whatever they'd like on social media. It's not their fault that those posts cause me to struggle. I will certainly do things differently with regard to what I share here and on Facebook the next time around but that's a personal decision because I now know what it feels like to be on this side of things.

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