Wednesday, April 23, 2014

freedom

I'm starting to realize that my lack of blogging has less to do with inspiration and a lot more to do with the freedom I've found from walking mostly away.

What started out as a hobby turned into a personal competition--I waited with baited breath each month to see if my stats surpassed the one prior. They usually did. It became an addiction. The more I posted the more likely I was to increase my readership and that just fueled my desire to write more! more! more! that I had this unspoken pressure on myself to post every mundane detail of our little lives. There's nothing wrong with that, but I desperately craved substance beginning around the time we found out out we would lose our second child. My intentional unplugging turned into an unintentional unplugging. The daily checking of my stats quickly waned and I honestly can't remember the last time I looked at them.

Freedom.

My absence also correlates with my desire to be loving towards those around me who are struggling with infertility or pregnancy complications or loss. I know that this is my space and I am welcome to share whatever the heck I want here, but I just don't know how to share my heart while still being considerate of those who are struggling around me. Truth be told, I've been pretty detached this pregnancy, so there isn't much I want to share. I have yet to feel any movements and a lot of the time I actually forget I'm even pregnant. I've not really bonded with this little pumpkin which isn't that much of a surprise since it took a few days to weeks following Elden's birth for me to connect with him. And I have no shame in admitting that I'm detached. I'm not in the camp that believes God causes miscarriages for His greater will. If you judge me for that feel free to do so openly--I don't care what you think. This is my pregnancy and I will traverse it the way I will. The steps between are strictly between me (and Jon) and God. Your opinion has no place here.

I plan on revisiting this space to share my heart more frequently now that I've laid that all out there. There are big changes brewing in this house that I definitely want to document. As I approach the days of movement and anatomical ultrasounds I want that to be written for #3 the way it was for Elden. We have already made, and are continuing to make, big changes to our home. Changes I'm proud of. Changes to make it more cozy. Elden is growing into a strong [willed] little boy and today when I told him I loved him in the car he responded on his own accord, "love you, Mama" that made my heart explode four times over. We are healing. We are growing. We are changing. And I can't wait to let you into our hearts.

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