Monday, March 23, 2015

returning to view

I've been seriously contemplating returning the blog to normal viewing from private. I have a manic personality where I tend towards acting impulsively due to passionate feelings, and I'm trying not to do that with this. The reality is, it's been over a month since I've heard anything from the police so I'm just assuming nothing is going to happen and the relative will never even know I went to the police to begin with. On the other hand, there's always the chance he could stumble upon this blog. This experience has also made me feel a level of vulnerable I have never experienced and the thought of all the possibilities regarding exposing my family on the internet has been a heavy one. I think if I do return to public view I will do so under the pretense of not sharing as much as I normally do. I will certainly share my heart and my struggles, but less about what the kids are up to, less about where we live (did I mention we're definitely trying to list our house this summer?) and less details about our lives that don't really need to be documented for all to see.

I'm doing a lot better. My life has some normalcy to it now (despite being in the throes of a crazy kitchen remodel) and I feel like I'm finally hitting somewhat of a stride with the whole mom to two kids thing. With the official arrival of spring (at least in calendar form) comes the promise of new life and fresh starts. We aren't nearly as cooped up as we were this horrible winter and there's something truly magical in the power of raw and wholesome vitamin D. Jon is patient and kind with me and has stepped up in a big way the past few months. Every day reminds me how lucky I am to have him to hold my hand and pick me up off the floor--sometimes literally--during the darkest of days.

I've pursued some things with regard to the online sexual abuse tool I mentioned, specifically trying to partner with a bigger organization that supports sexual assault victims to help make it a reality. So far I haven't heard a word back from anyone. I'm thinking about just starting a GoFundMe so that I can hopefully draw the attention of these orgs, but with people giving me money comes the responsibility of making things happen and given our current circumstances I just don't have the time to devote what that project needs right now. Hopefully once some of the house stuff settles down I can work towards making it a reality but I need to step back and recognize that I am only one person and while I can work towards change I want it to have a minimal impact on my devotion to my husband and children. If I took that on right now, it would have a gargantuan impact on them. This is me talking myself out of it for the moment because now just isn't the right time.

So, that's where we're at. We're covered in plaster dust, aching for the still evasive sun rays, and pressing onward. We are working towards finding peace in the chaos and remaining hopeful in the thought of a better tomorrow.

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