Friday, January 15, 2016

music and the Big Gift

My childhood dream was to be a musician or an actress one day. I would daydream, practice, and even enlisted my neighbors to put on a Spice Girls concert with me on our front porch for our parents. Did I mention we lived on the corner of a busy intersection? And also, I have a pretty horrid case of stage fright? Never again.

Also, I'm not particularly skilled at acting or music. I can usually carry a pitch, I have relative rhythm (Jon might disagree with this) and I have an uncanny ability to remember song lyrics from years and years ago (Jon is 100% behind this statement and was actually surprised when we went to a work party and I could recall basically every late 90s/early 2000s throwback song that came on my Pandora). In high school I got the smallest talking role in a rendition of a comedy that escapes me. I was at every rehearsal, including daily rehearsals during "hell week," only to get crazy sick, lose my voice for opening night (I had to scream my single line to get it out), and be admitted to the hospital for several days the next morning due to what was diagnosed as "an unidentifiable virus that caused your airways to close." Suffice to say, I never went out for drama club after that.

Yet music is everything to me. I've constantly got a soundtrack running through my head, and I find myself choosing specific songs that mirror the current events in my life or mood. I'm usually plugged into Pandora when I'm not at home. I'm also quite dramatic. (I'll give you a second to compose yourselves after that piece of shocking information.)

The thing is, even though I have a passion for these two things, God did not gift me with the skills required to pursue them. As part of my Introspection 2k16 campaign, I've been trying really hard to evaluate what gifts I do have.

Most of the time, it's seemed like there are no gifts here. I tend to think of gifts as big flashy things that everyone notices immediately and oohs and ahhs over. But in an effort to show myself grace I've tried to reevaluate. Perhaps my empathy and the way the brokenness of the world shatters me is my Big Gift. My desire to do all the things certainly plays a role in that. Perhaps God can use me to do something to substantially contribute to this world. 

I feel like I have so much potential to do good but I'm stuck in this weird place of not having an obvious opportunity to do so. I haven't come across anything that screamed at me, "drop everything and follow me." When you hear people talk about their life missions, they have their testimony that there was some Big Call where God clearly spoke to them and gave them direction.

It's been radio silence here.

I'm trying to be patient. I'm wondering if perhaps I've grown so complacent that I've lost touch with God. I'm so status quo and self reliant that there hasn't been some obvious Big Call on my life. It's hard to sit and wait, especially when I am very much a doer. There are specific causes near and dear to my heart, but I'm not really sure how to involve myself. 
Patience has never been a gift of mine, either, so I'm trying to use this as a growing experience to better myself as a person. But it can be so hard waiting.

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