Friday, April 8, 2016

on being outnumbered

I'd be lying to you if I said I was totally ready to be welcoming another baby into our family. The truth is that I am absolutely terrified of what the future holds for us. Part of the reason we couldn't make the decision to actively try for another child is because I just can't wrap my mind around how it will look for our family. It's not even really major stuff like finances that has had me caught up since we first started talking about it. It's trivial stuff like we will have to put someone in the third row of the van and UGH! what a hassle that will be. Or, which child will be moved into the current playroom/guest room, which is about twice the size of the other two bedrooms? I suppose there are bigger things, too--the typical parental concern that I won't have enough love to devote to another baby and how will I share my time equally between the kids so they don't feel neglected?

Up until the viability scan these concerns were ever-present, easily outweighing joy. Not to mention the toll pregnancy has already taken on me... I have had more than one mental breakdown over the fact that I am miserable now and holy cow, I suddenly remembered how horrible the last 2 or so months of pregnancy are to my body. (Also, why is it I couldn't remember these things before I got pregnant again?) But now that we got to see the little peanut, watch its heart flickering, and see its arms moving (still totally blown away by that), the joy is starting to take the reigns. I am doing everything I can to be appreciative of this pregnancy but I will be the first to admit I can really suck at being appreciative. I know there are women who would kill to be miserably sick and that makes me feel like a really crummy human. I also know that I can't beat myself up over that because I am allowed to be tired and sick and frustrated.

I will continue to try to take this pregnancy one day at a time. It certainly helps that my morning sickness is starting to subside--now it comes in waves instead of being constant--while also trying not to have a total anxiety attack at the thought of having to switch to "zone defense" (thanks for the tips, Jacquelyn!) and share my lap with three kids. One thing I am holding onto is the wisdom a friend shared with me: "It helps when I'm having a crazy day to know 'but this is temporary because they're all going to grow up and there aren't any more littles after these.'" - This may not be entirely true for our family if we do go on to adopt, but it certainly helps me find peace in the meantime. If we adopt, odds are it won't be a newborn, so I am holding onto the idea of only enduring the newborn sleeplessness stage one more time. I am also relieved at this being the last time I experience pregnancy and childbirth (ahem, recovery from childbirth).

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