Tuesday, June 6, 2017

amazing grace | undeserving

My faith has been pretty stagnant lately. I believe in God. I believe He moves mountains. (or do I?) I believe He loves me and made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I could truly live.

Except I don't really live my life in a way that would make you think that.

As of late, I've probably been more of a moralist than a Christian. God has been an after thought.

Then my world came crashing around me. Cars needed fixed. Savings dwindled. We decided we needed to sell the house because our lives weren't sustainable despite the fact that we had trimmed virtually all fat from our budget. Student loans threatened to swallow us whole. Visions of bankruptcy and losing everything ran through my head on a vicious rapid repeat. We crunched the numbers what felt like eight million times. Even downsizing our house significantly - the numbers just didn't add up. Every choice we made up until this moment seemed like it had been an awful mistake. I spiraled.  I found my mind racing to thoughts like if I died in a car accident, it might be for the best because then Jon would have my life insurance money to dig out of this mess I created for us. As if money could replace the hole I'd leave in my family's lives. It has been a dark few weeks.

Yet--it's been just a few weeks. We would never be homeless because both our parents offered to take us in. We have our health. Our problems were all material. I would have moments of peace and clarity, but those moments were few and far between. I wanted to try to claw my way up from rock bottom, but any and all attempts felt futile. I cried. I slept. I lost weight. I lost sight of the sovereignty of the God I claimed to know intimately.

We began cranking out house projects so it would be showing ready. We found a realtor. We even had a "coming soon" sign put in our front yard.

Then we had a heart to heart with wise counsel. We made some tough decisions, and were handed redemption. Unworthy, undeserving, unexpected redemption.

We don't have to move, at least not right now. Jon is actively applying for part time work. Our lives are going to look much different, but we will get to stay in what was supposed to be our forever-home. I can't remember the last time I felt so unworthy of something.

a thousand times i've failed
still your mercy remains
should i stumble again
still i'm caught in your grace
everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

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