Saturday, June 17, 2017

one foot in front of the other

Things are much better today than on Wednesday. Mornings are still the hardest for me - I have to psych myself up for the day to get out of bed. This morning, I ended up back in bed at 8 for about an hour and a half because I was so tired and overwhelmed. I've been up and at 'em since, though.

The therapist thinks untreated anxiety led to postpartum depression (in addition to all the hormonal changes I've been going through). Considering I've always been very anxious, I think she hit the nail on the head. I loved her and really connected with her--something I struggled to do with previous therapists--and I left the session feeling so much better. I go back Tuesday and I'm looking forward to working on some techniques for when my anxiety starts to get away from me.

I'll probably take at least this entire week off work. Even though every day has seemed a little better, I felt nauseous at the idea of going back next week. I don't want to jump in too fast and end up back in the place I was on Monday. In the back of my mind is a little fear that I'll never be able to hold it together and hold a job down again. I know that's probably not true, but the biggest fear in all of this is that I'll never be 'me' again. A very qualified friend reassured me that thoughts like that are the depression talking and to try my best not to let it get to me. 

I got the labs back from my OB. I was vitamin D deficient and my thyroid was "low normal" - I'm not sure what that means but I go back to see her Monday. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my OB office? I still drive down to Akron (35 min away) to go to that practice because I am so happy there. It's actually the nurse practitioner I've been seeing (for simplicity I call her my OB because too lazy) and she personally called me on Thursday to check in. She also called me in a script for vitamin D.

The kids have obviously noticed something is up. Elden asked me why I'm in bed all the time (luckily not so much the last two days). We initially just told them mommy was sick in case it resulted in a hospitalization and as the days have gone on I've explained a little to Elden that mommy just worries a lot and that makes me tired, but the doctors are helping me be less worried. Elden shows signs of anxiety too--even Jon has started to pick up on it--so I want him to understand that there's nothing embarrassing about mental illness and there's help available if you need it. Parenthood is a weird balance of wanting to be open and honest with our kids but not tell them too much that could upset them.

So that's where we're at. I try to take it a day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I have some moments where I feel great (I took both big kids by myself to Aldi! And there was an unexpected bathroom trip and van refueling in there that I didn't anticipate! And I survived!) and there are moments where my mind starts to race again and my stomach hurts while I think about all the responsibilities I have and the things that could go wrong. I'm trying not to lose sight of the big picture and I'm doing everything I can to be well. I want to be the healthiest I can be for Jon and the kids 

1 comment:

  1. Sorry you are going through this. A bit about Vitamin D. I suggest having your minerals checked too. Sometimes vit D goes down, not becuase you need more D, but because you actually need magnesium, and taking MORE D will actually have the opposite effect - it will decrease your D levels more. Your body wont absorb D well if you dont have enough mag. Sometimes the step is simply just taking mag. Just something to look into.