Sunday, June 11, 2017

postpartum depression sucks.

I thought I had beaten postpartum depression. I had been doing so well that I even tapered my medications. Then life happened and I have quickly spiraled downward. I keep telling Jon it feels like I'm drowning because I can't think of a better adjective for what I'm feeling. I want to scream and thrash and run away. There is a physical aspect to all of this--a pit in my stomach, pressure on my lungs. I spent most of church crying today. The morning started out hard and with prayer I felt peace - and the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness quickly came to mind. It was insane how different I felt. Unfortunately, the peace and relief was fleeting and I was overcome. The tears have had no shortage and the guilt I feel at wishing motherhood away is staggering. I love my kids and I know what a gift they are, but right now I don't recognize it for what it is. I try to tell myself that this is a season--albeit a hard as f%#* season--and it will get better. But then my thoughts get away from me and all the worst case scenarios continue to pile onto my chest and the pressure increases.

It gets easier right? I'll eventually regain some freedom? I won't feel like I've lost myself entirely forever?

All this to say: I'm struggling. PPD apparently doesn't just disappear. When I feel like I can't think lower thoughts than I was already, I surprise myself. I have a refill request into my pharmacy. If I don't start seeing some improvements in my thoughts after a few weeks I'm going to need to meet with my doctor to see about increasing the dose. If that doesn't work I'm going to have to find time (and money, because we live in a society where mental health isn't considered imperative to our physical health) to see a therapist. I want to be the best partner I can be for Jon, and I want to be the best mom I can be to my kids. Right now - I am not in a place where I can be either of those things.

2 comments:

  1. All the hugs, mama!
    Knowing how important it is to take care of yourself makes you a great partner for Jon and mom for your babies. You've got this because God's got you.
    Praying always and free to listen anytime ❤

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  2. oh, love. praying so hard for you. you are a good mom, and you will get through this. it absolutely will get better, and the fact that it is SO HARD right now doesn't diminish your love or your worth at all. you are reaching out for help, and that is huge. you are on the path out, to light and healing, absolutely. and it will get easier in a lot of ways. love you. xoxo

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